The Memories He Never Gave
by HapplessRomantic
Summary: THE LAST CHAPTER IS UP! COMPLETE! READ ME! 6 memories a silent hero never gave the son of the woman he loved. Please review. SSLE  i was inspired by J.K Rowling, i own nothing. snapelily , sevlily, severuslily, sevxlily
1. Belt and Boy

**Ok, here it is my first Harry Potter Fan fiction. It has been brewing in the back of my mind ever since I finished Deathly Hallows (10 hours after I got it on that fateful Saturday morning), therefore IF YOU HAVE NOT YET READ DEATHLY HALLOWS, THIS WILL SPOIL IT FOR YOU! **

**Pairings: Sev/Lily **

**Warning: This chapter contains scenes of domestic and child abuse.**

**A/N: Please review, even if it's only a few words, it makes me so happy. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, simple as that.**

"I'll never forget the person, who made my body weak

Who always thought he was right, and never let me speak

I'll never forget the father, who hid me away out of sight,

And I'll never forget how he scared me, how he gave me such a fright"

**Belt and Boy**

He was not one to cry normally, but when to man that you once honoured, obeyed and loved spits' on you, there is little you can do to stop the escape of emotion from your eyes.

Severus crawled to the corner of the cold, dark room, and watched, helplessly as his father raised his clenched fist to his mothers face again, begging her to love him.

"Why don't you love me Ellien?" Tobais' voice fell to a harsh whisper, "why don't you love me like you love him?" Tobias spat once again in his sons' direction "don't you have any love left for me, _dear?"_

"I, I do l-love you!" Severus' mum sank to her knees; he winced at the sickening crack as they hit the stone floor. Severus had no doubt that his mother loved his father, or at least had done sometime in the past. But it was _why _she loved, or had loved him that he couldn't understand. Then again all he had ever known was this; the shouting, the crying, the hitting and the spitting. Severus looked from one parent to another; his father, whom he only recognised him as his father at the moment by the long, greasy, crooked nose, was staring at his mother in disbelief, as if she had just started to sing, a crazed, demented look lingered behind his near-black eyes.

His mother deared not breathe too heavily in this crucial moment. A 9 year old Severus pondered if she regretted the statement she just declared. When Tobais' hands twitched towards his belt, both mother and son took a sharp intake of breath – "_Not again, please not again_"

"GO SEVERUS, JUST GO!" Severus struggled to his feet and began to scramble towards the door. Severus let out a cry of fear when he found his way blocked by his father; belt in hand, malice flooded his eyes. Tobias Snape picked up his skeletal son and threw him over towards his mother, and spat on them in disgust.

"SO YOU DON'T LOVE ME!" Severus scurried round in front of his mother, who had begun to cry, and bent over her, his long hair skimming her tears, shielding her from the monster that created him. Severus didn't cry when the belt hit him across his back.

"GET OUT OF THE WAY YOU PATHETIC, WORTHLESS BOY!" the belt whipped across his back again and he turned to face it when his mother, with her eyes, gave him a message to go, go and get out. He scampered through his fathers legs, his undersized, bony frame allowing him to with such ease, and sprinted towards the door the belt flew through the air again, Severus put but it caught him on the side of his face nevertheless. He turned once again to see his mother faint against the vodka-covered coffee table, where it had all begun…

As he fled his house, he came across an angel; his sweet, caring angel that made everything ok. He quickly wiped away his tears and removed all evidence of emotion before she saw, before she knew. Lily walked up to him, happiness radiating from her smile and warmth from her presence. He managed a smile back, her presence almost made him forget the previous incident, almost.

She realised.

"Sev, what's happened?" Before he had a chance to stuff his hands into his long overcoat, she grabbed his wrists, her small, thin fingers encircling his bony wrists. She brought his wrists up to examine them.

"You're bleeding, you're hurt." She whispered her words so softly as if, if she had said them any louder, she would inflict more pain. He wanted to assure he that it wouldn't, but couldn't bring himself to break to spell she had set upon them. She gently placed his hands back down against his sides and noticed the gash on his cheek for the first time and let out a small gasp.

"Lily, don't worry about it"

"But I _do_ worry about you Sevy." He did not understand the whooping feeling and stomach flipping sensation that he was experiencing at the moment. "Did you mummy never kiss it better?" He wanted to smile at her naivety, but the thought of what his mother might be going through at the moment scared him.

"I've got to go Lil', I've got to get back…" He began to turn back to hell.

"Wait Sev'" She kissed two of her fingers, her fore and middle fingers, and placed them on his gash. His whole body tingled and he would have taken that beating all over again to have this moment once more with his Lily.

**Please leave a review x **** There are 5 more chapters to come….**


	2. To Draw Blood

**PLEASE READ THIS FIRST: **

**Ok here is chapter 2. I must let you know that I was feeling lonely when I wrote this and the last chapter so that is why they are so dark HOWEVER the next chapter will be rather FLUFFY!!! - **

**I'd like to apologise if this or the last chapter upsets anyone, I mean no harm. One of the reasons these 2 chapters are quite dark are because I am trying to get deep into Severus' thoughts and feelings.**

**Thank you for all the reviews, I love waking up to emails!!! I feel loved!!! Anyway, this is it; please leave a review but no flames please!!! **

To Draw Blood

A lost, alone and confused, greasy haired chaired sat inside a fourteen year old boy who looked like he had, had all the bad things that could possibly happen to anyone, all compressed into his young life. The child began to drown the boy from the inside, fear, regret and trepidation filled his lungs and heart. Nothing else mattered to him at the moment apart from surviving, ending the internal pain raging inside of him.

His friends hated what he loved.

What he loved, hated his friends.

Who he hated, loved what he did.

The boy inside of him cried in fear of the summer; the adolescent welcomed it. To leave one place where he was tormented and tortured daily to got to another where he was neglected and non-existent. Severus Snape felt like he was torn in so many ways, not just about _them_. Why did he have to feel like this? His long, pale fingers climbed up his arm, pulling back his black robes as they went. Out of her sight, and a place where she would never see unless… no he wouldn't venture there, too much heartache. His nails pieced his skin at the same time that a single tear reached the fist bump of his long, crooked nose.

He barely winced as he began to draw blood.

Within him the boy cried and rattled the invisible bars that imprisoned but protected him. He screamed and stomped his little feet demanding his imprisoner to cease his self harm. Severus could just about make-out his own screams deep down inside of him: IS THIS WHAT SHE WOULD WANT?!?

The answer awoke him and sent a shudder throughout his body; he retracted his hand from his arm. It was not what she would want. He realised that she influenced everything she did or didn't do; everything he did he did for her, and probably always will do. Maybe if this feeling was requited, then he would feel elated by this thought. The fact that it wasn't made him even more depressed. He fled the dungeons close to tears and nearly ran straight into _her._ She was looking over her shoulder, shouting thanks to the potions master, clutching a variety of ingredients protectively to her chest. Severus flattened himself against the cold stone wall, hiding in the shadows, content on just watching Lily Evans float by him.

**How is it that when you come to type it up, it's really short? Thank you for reading, please review. Again, I apologise if I offended anyone, I did not mean to at all. Coming soon: "In Spite of his Heart" – I promise it is much lighter than the last two. Please review. **


	3. In Spite of His Heart

**Authors' note: **

**I'd like to thank all of you who have reviewed. Waking up in the morning to emails gives me such a buzz to start the day with! This chapter is much fluffier and lighter than the last two. The last two were rather dark because that is how I thought he would be mentally at that time. Please bear with me, there are better memories than these but I'm working in a timeline so I can not just post them randomly. **

**Disclaimer: I just don't anything sighs**

**Here we go again……….**

In Spite of His Heart

Only if you looked hard enough, and if you really strained to see them, could you see two teenagers, in their forth year, lounging leisurely in the soft grounds of Hogwarts. They lay against a gangling, hurt tree. If you followed each of the trees long arms, one of them was entwined with the tree, shorter but more radiant, that stood just downwind of it.

Severus, never happier with his life the way it was at the moment, was scribbling on a perfectly ruined copy of Advanced Potion Making, volume 4, Lily lay gazing at the clouds, lost in beautiful thoughts. It was only then that she noticed the trees' entwined branches and, feeling adventurous and care-free, jumped to her feet, knocking the tatty book from Severus' hands, and launched her self un-graciously at the older- looking tree.

Severus, restraining a laugh from her feeble attempts of climbing the tree began, in dull tones to question her actions.

"Lily, call me an idiot for not already knowing, but, what on Earth are you doing?"

Lily, who turned and shot a beam to her friend, replied.

"There is no need for me to call you an idiot, when you already know that." He smiled in spite of himself, true he was an idiot for not confessing his feelings to her, but he doubted that was what she meant by him being an idiot. "See there?" she points to the part where the trees entwined, "I _intend to attempt_ walking across them" He smiled at her naivety and purity. Being 14 never stopped Lily, like it stopped others, from showing the child that played in her soul. He walked over to her and, rather presumptuously, placed his hands on her waist; his heart stopped at that point, and hoisted her onto the branch.

"Lily, you are far to light, you should eat more."

"Stop flattering me Sev', I've actually put on wait over the winter, I should start to loose it, im getting a little chubby." Her voice seemed to drop slightly at the end to her sentence as if she was taking to herself rather than to him, but the young Snape still heard it.

"Don't be so ridiculous Lil', I happen to think you have a perfect figure!" Both realising at the same point what he had just said, they both blushed and looked away from each other. Snape raised his hand high over his head and Lily took it, but only to balance herself. She began to walk slowly, putting one small, bare foot in front of the other, the rough texture of the branch totally oblivious to her in this moment of concentration. Severus looked up and his breath caught in his chest at the sight of her. Her long, red hair was lightly dusted with leaves and small twigs. Her long legs were illuminated by the sun that peeped through the arms of the tree. Suddenly the angel spoke.

"Don't let me fall." Lily whispered.

"Never" Severus purred, slightly letting more meaning into his voice than he had intended. This blunder was not missed by either of them. She slowly turned to face him. Suddenly she was falling. She topped towards him, landing in his arms. He was gazing down towards her. His hand, of its own accord, brushed a broken twig from her hair. He was leaning towards her at a slight angle, closer and closer.

Then he was laying flat on his back on the floor, with Potter leering over him. He struggled against the invisible bonds that restricted him. He tried to shout curses at him and his _gang_, but when he tried to speak, water flowed from his mouth. Lily lent over him and muttered a counter-curse, and then shot her wand over her shoulder and shot hexes and the very un-expecting boys behind her. They ran, well, Potter hopped away, and Lily turned back to a smiling, pleased-for-himself, Sev'.

**I feel much better after writing this. But it would make me much happier if you could review. (: **


	4. The Last Time

**A/N: I can believe that I have so many reviews. I must thank everyone for their kind reviews so far and for all of those who have stuck with me. A special shout out goes to Nor and SnapesLover who have reviewed all chapters so far. Thanks again. **

**Disclaimer: I wish I owned Harry Potter but I don't. **

**4****th**** Time Lucky? **

**The Last Time **

He marched possessively through the dungeons, but slowed as he approached the great hall, picking up on furtive whispers of passes by. The topic of their conversation was predictable: The Summer Ball. Some one popular and creative had come up with the "ingenious" idea to hold a summer ball. It was to be held on the grounds on the approaching Saturday, only 6 sunsets away. A band, the name of which passed aimlessly through his ears, would float above the lake, laying their music and happy couples would dance. If he was lucky, maybe he would be one of them; he was going to ask her soon.

The great hall was packed with many hungry students, however she still could stand out and so, it seemed, could he and he received a small smile from the shinning beauty from the Gryffindor table. He grabbed a buttered roll, and swiftly exited the great hall.

"Sev!" He genuinely didn't hear her. "Sev wait up!" Severus cringed slightly at the public use of his nickname but turned anyway to face her.

"Hi Lily"

"Hi, how are you?"

"I'm ok, more importantly, how are you?"

"I'm so nervous about the DADA exam a week on Monday, and then it's History of Magic! I'm so grateful that this ball is coming up; it will give us such a release from all this studying. I can't wait!" Snapes' gaze drifted from her hair to the floor at the mention of the ball, he had men tot ask her but he just couldn't; she was too intelligent, too charismatic, too… beautiful.

"No-ones asked me yet" she began, "well Potter has, many of times," the colour rose in his face and his fists clenched. "But I'm not interested in that git, everyone else seems to be though." She drifted off but he still heard. He seemed to gain his confidence slightly.

"Lily" –

"Yeah?" She looked up at him.

"W-will you, will you, err, save a dance for me?"

She seemed down-heartened. "Yeah sure" And with that she walked off leaving a confused, hurt, angry and frustrated Severus standing with his roll.

He didn't know weather he had been avoiding her or if she had been avoiding him, but they had not been alone tighter since he had failed to ask her to the summer ball some 5 days ago. Even in potions they had not been able to talk because Slughorn had partnered him with Alexia Hopkins to help "raise her confidence" – his plan did not work, but Severus ended up with what barely passed a potion, thin and white, dropping from his hair. The Marauders thought that was possibly the best Potions lesson ever.

So here he was standing in his dress robes, his hair washed and presentable, and his shoes shined and mid-free. The only reason he was going tonight was because somewhere inside him, it felt right. After one last, quick brush of his hair, he exited the Slitherin common room and swiftly walked up to the grounds, his long black dress robes, hinted with emerald and dusted with a bottle-green shimmer of powder, flowing behind him.

He stood staring out towards the lake. He was late; it had started a while ago. The band, to a muggle, floated in mid air above the lake, their music blaring out, and couples dancing wildly. Most of the teachers sat around a table slightly away from the students, but a few teachers, including Dumbledore, were dancing to. He felt a familiar hand tap him lightly on the shoulder; he turned to face its owner. His breath caught in his chest.

"How about that dance then?" and then she was gone, expecting him to follow and he did, mesmerized by her beauty. She wore a sea green dress, which cut short an inch above her knee. The dress that dipped low enough for him to catch a glimpse of her shoulder blades, and clung to her figure, showing of her curves, his mouth went suddenly dry. How followed her all the way to the front of the lake, where she just stood. As soon as he stood in front of her, luck and fate threw him a slow song.

Before he knew what was happening, his hand held hers in his, and his other hand sat high on her back. Her other hand played with a stand of his soft hair behind his neck. This was heaven. She looked up at him, water glistening in her green, green eyes poured into his. She smiled and broke the connection, leaning her head against his pounding chest. _She must be able to hear it. _This was so embarrassing but he couldn't tear himself away.

"Sev?"

"Yes Lily"

"If you asked me, I would've said yes" He smiled his biggest smile that he had ever gave and placed his lips firmly but lightly upon her hairline, kissing her long, curly fiery-red hair.

"I'll ask you next-time then, we've got forever."

There was no next time, however. The day after next, the Marauders pushed him over the edge and he shouted one word. That word ruined his life.

**Please review x **


	5. There is no Place in this New World

**I'm so sorry that haven't updated sooner, the last 3 nights I have been at sleepovers - hectic! Anyway here it is chapter 5….**

**There's' no place in this new world**

He stood, resting on the door, just inside her, and _his,_ room. He hid himself within his magical knowledge with a disillusiant charm. It was ironic after all the years he had tried to get her to notice him; he was hiding himself from her. He just wanted one last look at the woman he worshiped. His plans were ruined when his wand, which he had been fiddling with, dropped to the floor with a dull thud. She whipped around, fear blazing her wonderful eyes, and brandished her wand from the inside of her wedding dress. She seemed to sense a presence, he gave up and reviled himself, and she let out a small gasp.

"Muffallo" he muttered and pointed his limp wand hand towards the door.

"No, please, God, no"

"Lily?" He walked towards her and she flinched as he took hold of her hands, his intense gaze fell upon her damp eyes.

"-No not now, not today, not after-" He assumed she meant to incident by the lake but did not press her to confirm it, not wanting to cause her any more stress then he had already put toward her by his selfish presence on her wedding day.

"Lily"

"Sev-erus?" He froze, the words in his throat dispersed at the use of his name. The only one that called him that now was the man, the idea, that she had sworn herself against, her enemy, the only man that had ever told him that he _belonged_ somewhere. Her anger rose inside her and burst from her with such flames that he seemed to take a step back from her.

"WHAT! WHAT DO YOU WANT, WHY DID YOU COME HERE? WHY TODAY?"

"Don't!

"DON'T WHAT?" If she had not been so angry, she would have sensed the answer in his tone of voice and his attitude.

"Don't, marry him, please"

She seemed to stare at him blankly, until the meaning in his words tore at her resolute state; she fell to her knees and began to sob. Severus, feeling awkward and out of place, consider leaving, but he couldn't just leave her like this, even if it meant she had to hurt her more.

"Why now?"

"I couldn't come earlier, I dint want to hurt you, but I just can't stand the idea of you marrying Potter." She sobbed harder at the mention of his name, he turned to leave. "Im sorry Lily, I shouldn't have some, sorry, I'll go"

" No, don't" He fell to his knees in front of her, a smile of hope and delight spread upon his face at her words. When his looked into her eyes, his smile fell.

"Listen, Lily, I love you, I always have and I always will and I would -"

"BUT I'M MARRYING POTTER!"

"Don't! Marry me instead, come with me know, he'll never know, please Lilt, _I'll be your husband! Please" _He could not stress any more meaning into his words that he was already doing; from the bottom of his soul he believed and wanted what he was saying. She looked crushed.

"If things were different, I would have, but I can't just go!"

"Then we'll go down to tighter and explain to him, I'll stand by you forever Lily."

"I know you will, that's your problem. Why couldn't you have come and told me all of _this_, 2 weeks ago?"

He seemed confounded. Lily didn't want to say out right what she was implying, but it seemed necessary.

"Yesterday morning, I found out that I am 2 weeks pregnant." A long, glistening tear slid from the very corner of a black eye, and ran down his face. He might as well have been granted a Dementors kiss. "I'm sorry, Sev"

"You can still come with me. I swear I'll take care of your child as my own; I'll love him or her more than _Potter_ ever could. I swear I'll do anything for you Lily. We could be a, - " he seemed to struggle with the word that he never knew the exact definition of, "-family." By this time, her hands had found his and clasped them gently, she knew her answer.

"No. I can't put you through all of that Severus. It's not fair on you, or my child. He or she would never know there father. James, James it's not fair on him either."

A stunned silence filled the room. It consumed all emotions.

"There is no place in this new world for a Death eater," his gaze fell to the floor, " a _Mudblood_," His eyes snapped back up to hers, screaming at her that she was not, she chose to ignore his silent protests, " and her child that wasn't his, however much she wanted it to be." Her lips barely touched his as she said her wordless goodbye.

**I'm so gutted that out of the loads of hits I've had, only 1.8 of people review. Please review, I tried so hard with chapter. **


	6. Do Angels Sleep?

**Disclaimer: I want to make it abundantly clear that I don't own anything.**

**A/N: **

**Alas, my final chapter of this story, thank you for all those who have been loyal to me throughout. Here goes nothing….**

_**Do angels sleep?**_

The last time he saw her, he had begged her to come with him, to marry him. He would have even brought her son as his own, but rejection had turned him week and bitter. He succumbed to the Dark Lord.

Severus Snape stood outside, his dark eyes transfixed, of the _Potter _residence. He had come to warn them, no, her, that tonight, what they feared the most, would happen. But his sorry gaze fell upon the happy family playing in front of him. Lily smiling, watching James chase the baby boy around the room, and he froze, his body and brain numb, his heart broken all over again. No Cruciatus cures could hurt more than this, this torture made him turn away.

He got the end of the street when he heard a distant last cry of a fallen man, and the shattering of a door. His legs stopped in motion and Severus' hand flew to his pocket, fumbling for his wand.

Within minutes he was near the house again, the front door swung open ghostly. There was a flash of green light, almost the green of the eyes that belonged to the angel from his every day nightmare, and a blood-curling scream that belonged to his only love. Snapes' brain forced his legs to move behind a looming tree and hide, for he knew who, or should he say what, was in the house at this moment. He could do nothing to stop him, nothing to help her, nothing, and it killed him. He only prayed that lily was still alive and her scream had been of shock and not death, that the green light had been directed towards anyone but her and that she lay on the floor stunned, not dead. Something inside him died. _Who the hell was he trying to kid?_

A spectre of a defeated man fled the house un-noticed to his pained servant.

Severus entered the house and steeped over James Potters' body. He did not feel triumphant, or guilty. He did not feel glee or remorse, for he had brought about the death of someone Lily loved, even if the man in question was the man who drove him to it. Severus proceeded up stairs as silently as possible, his ears pricked for any sound of life. He heard none. Another door swung open ghostly across the landing. He winced in disgust as he passed James and Lily's _shared _bedroom. He entered the room across floor landing.

The only thing that he could see was his tears blinding him. The only thing he could feel was sharp pain as his knees hit the ground underneath him; the only thing he could hear was his own sharp, uneven breathing. He crawled over the body of Lily Potter, and cradled her in his arms, wishing, hoping and pretending that just this once she was Lily Snape and she was only sleeping. _Do angels sleep? His one did. _

As he placed Lily's arms and lags in a more respectful position, so she would be more comfortable in her slumber, he realise that the child was still alive and was looking at him. He attempted to give the child, Harry, a look of repulsion, _Harry did not deserve to live his life while Lily was denied hers. Nor did he but he would willing sacrifice his to give her one more breath, _but he only notice her eyes looking at him filled with forgiveness and compassion, the eyes emptied of all emotion and he saw James Potter.

Severus Snape, the dead man, fled.

**That's it! ): **

**Please leave a review, even if it is to say that you liked the last chapter more, I know I did! **

**Thank you for reading, Iammeno1canchangethat **


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